The Blizzard Bowl!
by Empoleon66
Summary: Soldier 76 has mere days to throw together a band to save face with his rival, Reaper. (Based off an episode of Spongebob. You know which one ;)


(Based off a certain episode of Spongebob. Hope you enjoy!)

(Scene: Soldier 76's office)

(Soldier 76 is in his office playing his recorder. It sounds just awful.)

Overwatch Agent: ( _knocks on door_ ) Um, excuse me, but is there a wounded animal in there?

Soldier 76: No! ( _Slams door_ ) Stupid critic. ( _Phone rings, picks up phone_ ) Hello. You've reached unrecognized talent. Leave a message after the-( _blows recorder into the phone_ )

Reaper: ( _from the other end of the line_ ) Sounds like you have a wounded animal to tend to, eh pal?

Soldier 76: ( _Upon recognizing voice, he groans_ ) What do you want, Gabriel?

Reaper: ( _from other end of line_ ) Oh, I'm just calling to brag about my Talon Band. We sold out the past three shows AND we're going to play the Blizzard Bowl next week.

Soldier 76: The blih-blih-blih! The Blizzard Bowl?!

Reaper: Yep. I'm living out your dreams. Unfortunately, I'm busy that day, so my band and I can't make it. So, I was hoping that your band could perform instead.

Soldier 76: ( _nervous_ ) Um...well...

Reaper: Hah! I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well then, I'll hang up and find someone who does.

Soldier 76: ( _angry_ ) Hold it! It just so happens that I DO have a band and WE WILL play at Blizzard Bowl! How do you like that, Mr. Edgy?

Reaper: Good luck with that next Tuesday! But after hearing your band, the audience will need more than a health pack to recover. ( _Snickers, hangs up phone_ )

Soldier 76: ( _gulps; to himself_ ) I'm gonna need to drum up a marching band fast! ( _Chuckles_ ) Heh, drum. Band humor.

( _Cuts to multiple agents reading a flyer that Jack posted throughout the building_ )

McCree: ( _reading flyer while at the practice range_ ) Looking for a purpose for your dull meaningless life?

Roadhog: ( _reading flyer while polishing scrap gun_ ) Then come be a part of the greatest band that ever lived.

Mei: ( _reading while in the mess hall_ ) And be adored by thousands of people who you don't know.

Winston: ( _reading while on toilet_ ) Not to mention, free food!

Zarya: ( _reading while showering_ ) Practice begins tonight at 8:30 sharp.

(Cuts to later that night, where Jack is riding to the practice hall he rented out with a plethora of instruments he rented in his car. He looks down at his watch, which reads 8:35)

Soldier 76: ( _to himself_ ) Stupid rental guy made me late! That moron wouldn't know the difference between an oboe and an elbow! ( _Chuckles_ ) Heh. More band humor.

( _Cuts to inside, where the everyone is sitting in chairs and talking to each other. Jack goes to the front of the room_ )

Soldier 76: Ok, everyone! Shut up! ( _Everyone quiets down_ ) Good. Now, how many of you have played an instrument before?

Roadhog : ( _raises hand_ ) Do instruments of torture count?

Soldier 76: ( _disturbed_ ) Uh...no.

Junkrat: ( _Raises hand_ ) Is dynamite an instrument?

Soldier 76: ( _Sighs_ ) No, Jamison. Dynamite isn't an instrument. ( _Junkrat raises hand again_ ) And a loot box isn't an instrument either! ( _Junkrat lowers hand_ ) That's fine, none of you have experience. Luckily, I have enough talent for all of you! ( _Laughs. Continues to laugh until he realizes that no one else is laughing_ )

Winston: ( _calls out_ ) When do we get the free food?!

Soldier 76: ( _ignores him_ ) Ok, now repeat after me! ( _Plays six notes on recorder_ ) Brass section, go! ( _Mercy, , Mei, Lucio, Pharah, McCree and Reinhardt play their instruments_ ) Now, the wind section! ( _Genji, Hanzo, Tracer, Ana, Winston, Torbjörn and Brigitte repeat the notes_ ) And the the drum section! ( _Junkrat, Zarya, Roadhog and Orisa misinterpret his directions and try to blow on the sticks, resulting in the sticks being launched and pinning Jack to the wall; with a sigh_ ) Too bad that didn't kill me.

( _Cuts to later in practice_ )

Soldier 76: Let's just try stepping in rhythm! Now, I want everyone to get up and stand in straight rows of five.

Tracer: Is this where we all start kicking?

Soldier 76: No, Lena, you're thinking of a chorus line.

Junkrat: Kicking? I want to do some kicking! ( _Turns to McCree and kicks him in the shins_ )

McCree: Oww! Why I oughta- ( _Jesse chases Junkrat outside, where one can hear a bunch of crashing, then a long scream from Junkrat. Everyone's eyes are widened_ )

Junkrat: ( _sticks head out of door_ ) Whoever owns the blue sedan, you left your lights on. ( _Steps out, where we can see that a trumpet has been wrapped around his throat. He calmly walks back to his seat. When he sits down, he emits a honk_ )

( _Day Two_ )

( _The band is marching down the street, all playing their instruments. In front of them, Bastion and Orisa are twirling flags_ )

Soldier 76: ( _conducting the band as they all march_ ) Guys, really twirl those flags! ( _Bastion and Orisa start to twirl the flags faster_ ) Orisa! Bastion! If you don't spin faster, I'll send you to the scrap yard, damnit! ( _Bastion and Orisa spin the flags so fast, they become airborne. They fly up and crash into a nearby billboard and explode. Everyone gasps. Zarya plays "Taps" on the trumpet while everyone bows their heads in respect. Meanwhile, Jack lies on the floor and curls himself into a ball._ )

( _Day three_ )

(Everyone is back in the practice center)

Soldier 76: Ok, everyone, this is our last night of rehearsal before the show. And I know we haven't improved much since we began. ( _Everyone looks at Bastion, who has his head stuck in a tuba._ ) But, I have a theory! People talk loudly when they want to act smart, right?

Junkrat: ( _shouting_ ) CORRECT!

Soldier 76: So, if we play extremely loudly, people might think we're good! Everyone ready? ( _Everyone picks up their instruments_ ) And-a-one, two, three four! ( _The ensuing noise from the band causes all the windows in the practice hall to shatter. Jack is even knocked to the floor from the sound blast; picks himself up_ ) Okay, new theory: maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.

Torbjörn: Well, maybe we wouldn't so bad if ( _turns to Winston_ ) SOME PEOPLE didn't try playing with big hairy hands!

Winston: ( _pokes Torbjörn in the chest_ ) What did you say, shorty?

Torbjörn: Big! Hairy! Hands!

Winston: Well, these hands aren't just for mixing chemicals together!

Torbjörn: Bring it on, ape man! Bring it on!

Tracer: ( _stepping between the two of them_ ) No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off.

Ana: Oh, so now Miss Fish-n'-chips is gonna preach to us?! ( _Everyone starts to argue with one another_ )

Soldier 76: ( _shouting over the crowd_ ) Guys! Wait! I know tensions are high, but-( _everyone starts brawling with one another. Ana and Lucio are arguing with each other. Reinhardt sneaks up behind and bashes Lucio over the head with a drum mallet_ ) There's a deposit on that equipment! ( _Winston and Torbjörn charge towards each other with flutes, only to be smashed together with a pair of cymbals by Mei._ ) Settle down, please! ( _McCree knocks a tuba out of Roadhog's hands and kicks him in the groin. Junkrat comes up to McCree and kicks him in the leg. McCree grabs a trumpet and chases Junkrat with it. Everyone continues to brawl until the clock hits 10. Everyone stops._ )

Genji: Hey! Practice is over. ( _Everyone cheers. Everyone turns to leave, only for Jack to be in front of the door_ )

Soldier 76: Well, you did it. You took my chance of happiness and you crushed it. Crushed it into tiny, bite-sized pieces. I truly expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for thinking that! Don't bother showing up tomorrow! I'll just say that you all died in a marching accident. So thanks! Thanks for nothing! ( _Walks out the door sadly_ )

Junkrat: ( _smiling_ ) You're welcome.

Tracer: What kind of monsters are we?! That poor man turned to us in his hour of need, and we failed him. Jack has always been there for us when it was convenient for him! ( _Turns to Brigitte_ ) Brigitte! When your cats got trapped in that fire, who rescued them?

Brigitte: A fireman.

Tracer: And Zarya! When your heart gave out from all those protein shakes you drank, who revived you?

Zarya: Some guy in the infirmary.

Tracer: Right! So if we pretended that Jack was a fireman or some guy in the infirmary, then I'm sure that we pull together and discover what it truly means to be in a marching band!

Torbjörn: Yea, for the fireman! ( _Everyone cheers in agreement_ )

Tracer: Now let's make Jack proud! (Prepares to conduct everyone) A-one! A-two! A-skiddly-diddly-do!

( _Cuts to the next day where Jack is entering the stadium_ )

Soldier 76: ( _forlorn_ ) i knew that this would end badly. I guess they'll have to find another band. I just hope that-( _Sees Gabriel, who gives him a smug wave; screaming in a panic_ ) GABRIEL DOESN'T FIND OUT! GABRIEL! AGH! What are you doing here? I thought you were busy!

Reaper: ( _laughs smugly_ ) I cleared my schedule just so I could watch you bomb! So, where's your band?

Jack: ( _nervously_ ) Umm, they couldn't come. They...uh...died.

Reaper: Oh? Then ( _points behind Jack_ ) who are they?

Soldier 76: ( _turns around and sees his band behind him; panicky_ ) AGH! THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!

Tracer: ( _eagerly_ ) We're ready to perform, Jack!

Reaper: Well, Jack, this is exactly how I pictured this band would look ( _points to Tracer, who's dancing around with her tongue out_ )

Soldier 76: Uh, that's her...eager face ( _sighs. He, the band and Gabriel go onto the platform that rises the band onto the stadium field_ )

Soldier 76: ( _depressed_ ) I guess this will be the last time I ever go out in public.

Tracer: ( _cheerfully_ ) That's the spirit, Jack! ( _The platform rises up and brings the band into to the stadium_ )

Announcer: **Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Overwatch Superband!** ( _crowd cheers_ )

Junkrat: ( _looking at crowd_ )These are some real ugly people.

Tracer: Maybe we're near one of those toxic waste dumps.

Winston: ( _reacting to a sign that reads, "Go Monkey Go"_ ) I'm not a monkey! I'm a scientist!

Soldier 76: ( _sighing deeply_ ) Ok, everyone...( _looks back at Gabriel, who's smirking at him_ )...let's get this over with. One...two three...( _closes eyes and looks away, bracing for the worst. However, instead of a blast of horrible music, he hears a great-sounding trumpet piece from the brass section. Roadhog plays a great piano solo. He and everyone step to the side to reveal Tracer holding a microphone_ )Tracer: ( _singing with a manly voice_ )

 ** _The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill._**

 ** _The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will._**

( _Junkrat plays a drum solo. Everyone in the band rocks out on their instrument_ )

 ** _Don't ever look back on the world closin' in._**

 ** _Be on the attack with your wings on the wind._**

 ** _Oh, the games will begin_** **.**

 _(_ _Gabriel stares in shock, Jack gives him a smug grin and throws his baton away and uses his arms for conducting_ _._ )

Tracer: **_And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah._**

 ** _And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight_** **!**

( _Gabriel clutches his chest, faints and gets carried away on a stretcher by two paramedics. Jack waves a smug goodbye to him and runs to the middle of the stage as pyrotechnics go off._ )

Tracer: **_And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And the one who's last to fall. We will have sweet, sweet victory..._**

(Jack jumps in the air in utter glee)

 **The End**


End file.
